The final countdown......

Tomorrow is Monday, which means there are just 4 days until I am admitted to Hospital for my surgery.
I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I'm not nervous, or that I am feeling fine about it. I'm not terrified but I am nervous, I am apprehensive.....it's all new to me, and it's all daunting.
The risk of any form of paralysis, even temporary is one in 300, and then they can usually reverse it. Then there is the risk of infection, that is low too but obviously more common, and then risk of the disc just herniating again, even after the surgery. 


I can't however, sit and mull over possible complications. The fact is, I have to look at myself truthfully and say...can I carry on my life if I decide not to go ahead with it? And the answer, honestly, is no.
I can't get out of bed easily, I can't get anything off the floor unless I kneel down, the pain is worse every day and just blowing my nose whilst sitting down makes me almost pass out! I certainly couldn't do my job like I am at the moment. Whereas they tell me that within 3 months of the surgery, I will be back to the way I was before Christmas, and I can get back to work, back to my life. This isn't my life, this is like I am living someone else's life, and whilst I'm always grateful for what I have, I know that this is a condition that needs fixing and I need to take that leap of faith, put myself into the care of the surgeons and doctors and nurses and just let go of my usual obsessive "control"


Funnily enough my main fears, are that firstly I have to be intubated, which means they put a tube down my throat/airway when I am under the General Anesthetic, and then put onto a Ventilator which is a machine that breathes for me whilst I am under. I'm scared of that, it hurts your throat and they can't take it out until you are awake, and the thought of chocking on it as they take it out makes me feel really scared!
Then there is the thought of being hooked up to all the machines, drips, cannulas, needles and tubes. I know they are for good, and I have done it once before when I had my epidural, but that was not under General Anesthetic and I didn't have to have a drip etc, and definitely not a ventilator. I have NEVER had an operation before, and I've never really had a GA before!
Then my last fear, and this one is a bit babyish, but my last fear is staying overnight in a hospital all by myself for 2-3 nights. As I have my own room, I wont even see anyone, and I will be in that room all by myself for a few days and nights, the days will be OK as Mum and Dad and Carl will come and visit, and my friends from work are planning a visit on Friday and then Sandra should be coming over too. But the nights? I'm just a bit apprehensive about the nights. I-pod I guess! :)


So...tomorrow is gonna be a day of relaxing and re-organising my wardrobe and drawers, just generally chilling out and relaxing. I have pushed myself all weekend to do stuff so my back is even worse now and tomorrow I just need one of those "Don't leave the house" days in-front of the TV! :)
Then Tuesday will be my packing for hospital day. I have to bring lots of stuff and I wanna make sure I have all my toiletries and make up etc! You know me! Can't go without makeup, even at hospital! LOL!
Wednesday will be a busy day, as I will be going to say goodbye for a couple of weeks to my precious horse Domino, giving him kisses and cuddles, as I wont see him for at least 2 weeks. But with holidays in the past, it wont be the longest time hopefully that I've been without him! :) Then I have to go and have my eyebrows waxed, followed by my hair done, as I am not allowed to shower properly for a few days, and with all the being in bed, having my hair put into the hair cover thing etc, curls would just be a huge mass of knots! So I have to have it done! :)


I'm hoping to sleep on Wednesday night....but I have my doubts!!